Yes, I know I’m only in high school and I probably haven’t experienced what to be in love really feels like, but I notice things, I always have. But I’ve felt and witnessed heartbreak. I’ve seen other people get their hearts broken to know what it must feel like.
And it hurts.
It will always hurt. You know that.
No matter what you do. No matter how far you run. No matter how many distractions you have. And that’s the problem, you don’t care about getting hurt, but you know how they’ll feel? They’ll go out of their mind. A strong emotional tether, that’s what love is. The fact that at that moment, you’d do everything and anything for that person. Love is selfless. You see everyone around you gets hurt, except you. Never you. But you do hurt. You do feel. You’ve done such a good job hiding it over the years. You’ve let yourself slip, you’ve told someone how you feel. And you’re worried. You don’t want them to view you as weak. You want them to view you as strong, because you’re the lion, because you are not weak.
And god, everything is a distraction. Because you just want something, something that for a moment won’t make you remember. But no, you’re not that stupid, you know you’ll never fully get over him. You keep on distracting yourself, making yourself numb. Being strong, being numb. And you know he’ll never see you like you want him too, but you just keep going on day after day telling yourself it’ll end, telling yourself to move on. It’s gotten to the point where you can’t even look him in the eye anymore because that evokes feelings and at this moment you don’t want to feel anymore.
Yet you are in what feels like the biggest battle. Love is a war, but it’s a war a you don’t want to fight this time, because it’s a one sided war. And it’s scary, you’re scared you’ll never get to tell him how you feel, but you know if you do, nothing will ever be the same. You’re stuck in a war with yourself if anything. A constant tug-of-war.
The worst part is, you can’t turn it off. You’ve tried. You’ve tried to feel nothing. You’ve tried to look away. You’ve tried to ignore it. But it’s a constant tug in the back of your mind. And you fight it, you fight it, but you slip up. And you fall again, you fall hard and you fall deep, you love, and you don’t just love the person, you’re in love with them. You’re in love with everything about them, their smile, their laugh, how their eyes shine at the right angle, how they hold on tight to you when you’re not okay, but not because they’re in love with you, or at least that’s what you have to keep reminding yourself, because while they may love you in a friendly type of way, they’re not in love with you.
When you were little, it was just so much easier, “love” only applied to your parents, to your toys, to movies you watched. And “love” was painted as such a perfect picture for you, “love” was easy you thought. But then you got older, and then you see, “love” didn’t mean the same thing, “love” became powerful. Oh and now you can’t say it, you can’t say it because you’re too scared to. There’s a difference between loving someone and being in love with someone. Those lines are so blurred though, and it’s easier not to say it then let yourself give in.
Falling in love is odd. You can’t pinpoint a moment when it happens, it just does. Ironic, because the one thing that’s supposed to make you happy and delirious, make you feel warm and invincible, makes you hurt. Makes you seem your weakest. But oh no, you don’t let them see you like this. You don’t let the tears slide down your face. Emotions, funny things indeed. Someone out there drowns themselves in a bottle of alcohol because of them, someone else stands on the edge of a cement roof, another takes a gun out of the safe, one puts on running shoes, one throws up.
Feelings. Emotion. Love. Awful murderers these three. Why? Because you can’t control them. The thought of it kills you, doesn’t it? Because you’ve always been in control, it’s how your life has been. And you don’t want it to change. So you fight it. You keep your head just enough above the water that you won’t drown. But you’re getting tired, your arms and legs heavy, no no no but you can’t give in. You mustn’t. You have to keep fighting. Nothing makes sense to you anymore, you want to just drown, fall in love, so you don’t have to fight anymore. You can’t bring yourself to do it though. You just can’t. It’s a knife in your side, and it keeps plummeting deeper and deeper.